Why You Attract Toxic Relationships
Cheaters, liars, and narcissists, oh my!
Finding a healthy relationship can feel like a walk down the yellow brick road to meet the Wizard of Oz. You are more likely to encounter flying monkeys and be disillusioned than to find the elusive and mysterious, “healthy relationship.” While you recognize many people struggle with this, you can’t help but feel you have had more than your fair share of flying monkeys.
Is there something about you that tells toxic people that you would be the perfect next victim?
My answer? Yes. Sort of.
But it is not that you have something written on your forehead that says, “Yes, please break my heart.”
The truth is toxic people don’t discriminate. They are attracted to all kinds of people. You are not more likely to be sought out by toxic people BUT you are probably more likely to let them stay.
While others may see the red flags and run the other way, you may be more likely to draw closer, like a moth to a flame.
Although, this may be infuriating. Here is why.
(DISCLAIMER: If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help here)
Recreating old trauma.
You may find yourself repeatedly drawn to toxic relationships because subconsciously, you are seeking out situations or relationships that resemble past traumas in an attempt to gain control over the situation and overcome the trauma. This pattern can be seen in people who have experienced abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma in their past. Breaking the cycle of trauma repetition requires acknowledging past traumas and working through them with the help of a therapist or other mental health professional, gaining an understanding of one's patterns and behaviors, and learning to recognize and avoid situations that are likely to lead to repeated trauma. It's important to note that trauma repetition is not a conscious choice, and those who experience it should not be blamed or shamed for their experiences. Abuse and toxic behavior is never the fault of the victim. With support and self-awareness, it is possible to break the cycle and form healthy, fulfilling relationships.
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Trauma Bond.
Trauma bonds can develop when there is an intermittent reward system in place, meaning that positive experiences are sporadic and inconsistent. This is often seen in toxic relationships, where there may be moments of love and affection mixed with periods of emotional or physical abuse. The unpredictability of these experiences can lead to a powerful emotional attachment to the abuser, as the individual becomes focused on trying to recreate the positive experiences and avoid the negative ones. In addition, the body releases powerful neurochemicals, such as oxytocin and dopamine, during moments of connection and attachment, further reinforcing the trauma bond. Over time, these bonds can become deeply ingrained, making it difficult for individuals to leave toxic relationships even when they are aware of the harm that is being done.
(Click here to read more about trauma bonds. “Why It’s So Hard to Leave When It’s Bad”)
Low self-esteem.
People with low self-esteem may believe that they are not deserving of healthy, positive relationships and may even believe that they are the cause of the toxic behavior from their partner. They may also struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries, which can lead to a cycle of repeated abuse. On the other hand, those with higher self-esteem are more likely to have a strong sense of self-worth and value, making it easier for them to recognize and leave toxic relationships. They may also be better at setting and enforcing boundaries, which helps to protect them from abuse. Ultimately, building self-esteem is an important step in breaking free from toxic relationship patterns and creating healthy, fulfilling relationships.
“Again and again he picked me, and no one had ever taught me how to say no.”
― Daniella Mestyanek Young, Uncultured: A Memoir
Fear of being alone.
The fear of being alone or abandoned can be a powerful motivator for people to stay in toxic relationships. This fear can stem from past experiences of abandonment or neglect and can be exacerbated by feelings of low self-worth or insecurity. The fear can be so strong that individuals may tolerate or even subconsciously seek out toxic behavior from their partner, believing that any relationship is better than no relationship at all. Additionally, the fear of being alone can make it difficult for individuals to set boundaries and speak up for themselves, as they may worry that doing so will cause their partner to leave them. Ultimately, addressing the root causes of this fear and developing a sense of self-worth and autonomy can help individuals break free from the pattern of tolerating toxic relationships.
People-pleasing.
People pleasers and over-givers may be more susceptible to toxic relationships due to their tendency to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own. This can lead to a lack of boundaries and a willingness to tolerate or even enable abusive behavior from a partner in an attempt to maintain the relationship. Additionally, people pleasers may struggle with feelings of guilt or shame if they feel that they are not meeting their partner's needs, which can further reinforce the cycle of abuse. Ultimately, breaking free from toxic relationships requires developing a stronger sense of self-worth and learning to prioritize one's own needs and boundaries. By recognizing that your own needs are just as important as your partner's, people pleasers and over-givers can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect and support.
(Click here to learn more about people-pleasing. “A Guide for those that Give and Rarely Get”)
In conclusion, as Dorothy learned from Glenda, the Good Witch in, “The Wizard of Oz”, you too have had the power all along. YOU are the key to ending the pattern of attracting toxic relationships. Through self-awareness, healing emotional wounds, and changing your mindset and behaviors, you can begin to attract and keep healthy and loving relationships. At Life Revised, I help people do this all the time. If you are ready to have the healthy and loving relationships you desire, schedule your free consult with me and let’s get started!
Did I leave anything out? Leave a comment and let me know why you think some people attract toxic relationships.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your therapist or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog post. The author and publisher of this post are not responsible for any actions or inaction you may take based on the information presented in this post.
