A Different Way to Think About Anger

Many years ago, I had the pleasure of working as a school counselor at an elementary school. Every year I would teach a lesson on feelings. I would ask the kids,

“Which feeling is bad?”

Every time, with complete confidence, they would shout out in unison,

“ANGER!”

I bet the response to that question from most adults would be fairly similar.

In all fairness, it was a trick question.

There are no bad emotions (even though some don’t feel so good).

Every human feels anger.

It is a normal emotion and a part of being a human.

Anger has a bad reputation, but anger is not bad. It is our behavior when we are angry that can be bad. Hurting others or ourselves when we are angry is what is bad or wrong, not the feeling of anger itself.

(This blog post is not about condoning bad behavior when angry. It is about helping you look at anger differently and approaching it in a way that would be more beneficial and constructive. If you are someone that is on the receiving end of anger and are being abused, or you become abusive when you are angry, I highly recommend you seek professional help.)

Anger Is Not Personal, It Is Biological.

Anger is a physiological response to a threat.

We all have within us a sophisticated system of survival. When our body detects a threat it will automatically engage its survival response system. This can be triggered by a threat to our physical body, emotions, resources, self esteem, loved ones, sense of belonging etc. When this system is activated, you go into fight, flight or freeze mode. We don’t get to choose which mode we divert to. The body decides for us. When the survival system is engaged a biochemical cocktail gets dumped into your body and your body surges with stress hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline, which are designed to help your body to fight hard or runaway fast. Fight mode is often accompanied by anger. Anger gives you the energy needed to fight the threat.

If we see someone that is angry, we may mistakenly, take it personally when it is simply a physiological response that they did not choose. Observing someone being angry can trigger your own survival response. You may also get angry and want to fight or you may want to get away from the person or you may be unable to do anything but freeze up. You may feel compelled to defend yourself, prove you’re right, argue, fight or teach them a lesson. Once the survival response has kicked in, the part of the brain needed to be able to resolve the problem is not working. Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain needed to perform the function of logic, reason and problem solving is off line. A constructive conversation in this mode is almost impossible.

Instead of taking an person’s anger personally, it can be more beneficial to recognize that the angry person’s body is responding to stress in the way in was designed to. They need to be able to calm down to turn this response off before you can resolve the problem. It is not your responsibility to do this for them, but knowing that this is what is happening can help you manage your own response and behave in a way that is more likely to help, than exacerbate the situation.

I experienced this, first hand, with my son.

Like most parents, I gave my kid chores.

Like most kids, he didn’t want to do them.

Like most parents, I would get after him and nag at him, yell at him, and threaten to ground him in order to get him to do it.

Like most kids, this didn’t work, nor did it make him more excited to do his chores next time.

He would just get increasingly more angry. I used to think his behavior was unacceptable and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it, so I would nag more, yell more and take more things away from him.

This only caused the situation to escalate and made everything worse.

What I didn’t recognize was that he was overwhelmed with the number of things he needed to do and was worried he wouldn’t have the time he needed to do things he wanted to do, like play video games. His resource of time felt threatened. His survival response system had engaged. He was in fight mode. He was unable to solve his problem. He was acting irrationally. His nervous system was disregulated.

He wasn’t thinking logically and neither was I!

Once I realized that what was happening was that his survival response was engaged, (and not that he was just being a spoiled brat) I started to approach him differently. I knew he needed time away from my nagging to be able to calm himself. Sometimes, this meant I walked away. Sometimes, it meant I allowed him to storm off to his room for a few minutes before doing his chores. This is what he needed to calm down and get his nervous system to regulate. This would help us both to get our prefrontal cortex (logical, reasoning, problem solving part of his brain) back on line. Then we could discuss and problem solve in a way that would be effective rather than escalating an already bad situation. He still had to do his chores and be responsible for his behavior, but he didn’t need my behavior to keep triggering his fight or flight response.

Once I began doing this, magical things began to happen. He would catch himself and regulate his own emotions. He began to take responsibility for his anger, apologize and develop a plan to prevent it in the future. Of course, this meant I had to regulate my own emotions as well and not take his anger about having to do his chores, personally. I had to recognize that he was disregulated and help him to initiate calm rather than exacerbating his anger with nagging, yelling or threatening.

Hormones, blood sugar, thyroid issues, hunger, sleep deprivation, trauma, stress can all lead to anger. Can you look at your loved ones anger response as a biological function, rather than a personal attack on you? If so, how would you behave differently? Would your behavior escalate or descalate your loved ones anger?

There is nothing wrong with anger provided you use it constructively. - Wayne Dyer

Anger Is Not Bad, It Is A Blessing.

Sometimes, people are taught that anger should not be felt or expressed. It is not socially acceptable in certain cultures to express anger, even in a healthy way. It is sometimes seen as a character flaw to feel angry. This causes people to withhold anger and internalize it. This has it’s own ramifications. People end up staying in unhealthy relationships, get sick, or hold anger in until they can’t any more and then they lash out. Repressing those feelings isn’t healthy. You can express those feelings in healthy ways. Speaking up about what you feel isn’t right or fair will help you get your needs met and will help enrich your relationships. You can communicate with others about how you feel and what you need to feel better, in a way that is respectful of your and the other person’s feelings.

Your emotions are there to guide you. They are trying to tell you something and motivating you to reach out to meet your needs. Anger is no different. Anger is often a response to a situation that is unfair or unjust and it gives you the energy you need to make a change. Major changes for the better have happened in our society because of anger. The civil rights movement and women’s suffrage movement wouldn’t have happened without someone getting angry at the injustice. Getting angry about the unfairness and inequality has helped us to make needed, healthy changes. If you are being mistreated, anger gives you the energy to stand up for yourself, so you are not taken advantage of. What a beautiful gift!

Anger does not always tell you that big social changes need to happen. Sometimes, it’s simpler. If you haven’t eaten, your anger could be signaling to you that you need to get food in your system. If you are overly stressed out from work or spreading yourself too thin, your anger could be telling you that you need to rest.

Can you express your feelings in a respectful way? What is your anger trying to tell you? How is your anger trying to help you? What are your needs?

Anger Feels Safer Than Other Feelings.

Have you ever approached an injured animal?

Although it needs help, it will often snarl and growl at you, as you approach it. It may even bite! This is because the animal is hurt and vulnerable. It is now easy prey. It is hoping that acting tough with anger will deter predators. Of course, it can also push away help, too.

Humans often use anger the same way. Anger is a defense mechanism for more vulnerable emotions like hurt or shame. It is easier to lash out in anger because it protects you by creating the illusion to others that you are strong and powerful. Others don’t get to see that you are actually vulnerable and that feels safer. Vulnerable creatures are able to get hurt and taken advantage of easier.

Could there be a deeper emotion underneath the anger? Is the anger really a defense mechanism for a more vulnerable feeling like hurt or shame? If so, how would you approach the situation differently?

You Are Responsible For Your Behavior.

Although anger is a natural human emotion, it does not excuse bad behavior. You are responsible for how you handle your anger and for dealing with it in a healthy way. As much as anger can be a gift and guide you to your needs, it can also destroy you and everything you care about if you don’t learn how to handle your anger in healthy ways.

If you struggle to control your behavior when angry, try this…

Awareness: Notice what you are feeling in your body. Pay attention to patterns. Be mindful of what triggers and what calms your anger. Decide what your needs are and get them met.

Assertiveness: Don’t let your message get lost in the mess. Practice assertive communication. Even if you have true, valid, good, helpful points to make, your message will get lost in the mess of shouting, demeaning, aggressive communication. Calm yourself before you engage in communication, so that your message is heard clearly.

Get support: You may not know how to handle your anger. That’s okay. We don’t always have healthy examples to teach us what to do. Talk to a therapist. Consult a doctor to see if you need medication. Decrease your stress levels. Educate yourself.

Anger is not bad. If you can harness it, you can use it to your advantage.

Does this change how you see anger? How so? Share in the comments!