Things to Consider To Help You Deal With Criticism
We have all been there.
You know, that kick in the gut feeling you get when someone criticizes you?
Boy, can it sting!
It is so painful that the fear of it prevents many of us from going out there and really trying to reach our goals. The mere thought of getting criticized is enough to throw us into paralysis.
The Gottman’s, who are relationship experts, report that their research even proves that criticism is a precursor to divorce.
We also know, when you get criticized, your fight, flight or freeze response can kick in.
And for good reason.
Our brain perceives criticism as a threat that we will be kicked out of the group. In primitive times, not belonging to a group or tribe significantly decreased our chances of survival. This survival mechanism is still within us today.
Criticism is something we are all likely to experience. How can we think about criticism so that it doesn’t have such a crushing blow to our sense of well being?
There are things to reflect on when it happens to you that can help you handle it in a constructive way, even if the criticism wasn’t constructive.
Who said it and why?
Anytime you receive criticism, you should consider the source. People criticize others for a variety of reasons. They may be angry, jealous, have good intentions, lack social skills, feel triggered, or maybe projecting their own issues on to you. Brene Brown talked about this in her book, “Daring Greatly.” When she did her Ted Talk on vulnerability, it was very popular and soon became the most viewed Ted Talk. Much of the attention was positive, but there was also a significant amount of criticism, much of it having nothing to do with the content of her speech, but criticism about her appearance or character. She turned to this quote by Teddy Roosevelt from 1910 for comfort.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
So before you take the criticism to heart, consider the source. Why might this person be saying that? Is there something going on with that person that could be making them react that way? Do they even know you? Do they really think that about you? What is their intention? Are they in the arena or have they ever been? Or are they simply criticizing from the sidelines because it is easier than stepping into the arena?
Why is this bothering you so much?
I have a theory that the only reason criticism bothers us is because somewhere, maybe deep down inside, we already feel insecure about what was criticized and the criticism shines a humiliating spotlight on what we secretly feel fear or shame about. If someone were to criticize you for something that you felt confident about and you knew in your heart it was not true, would you take it so seriously? Probably not. You would likely laugh it off and KNOW that person was wrong or didn’t know what they were talking about. When you get criticized and it really bothers you, that is a perfect opportunity to go within and see where you feel insecure or lack confidence. Now you know where you need to do the inner work and healing. So get to work!
Is there room for growth?
Maybe we didn’t WANT to hear it, but maybe we NEEDED to hear it. We are not always aware of our shortcomings and there is always room to grow. So when you get criticized, stop and reflect. Ask yourself, is there some truth to it? If there is not, okay, move on. If there is some truth to it, now you know. It is okay. Everyone has areas they can polish up. It may hurt, but it may be something you needed to hear so that you could fix it. It is like when you have something stuck in your teeth, it is embarrassing when someone points it out, but everyone else saw it and kept quiet. How else would you have known it was there so you could pick it out? You could have been walking around like that for the rest of the night talking to everyone and been oblivious! That person did you a favor by pointing it out so you could have the opportunity to fix it.
Do you want everyone to like you?
Is this criticism really just bothering you because you can’t stand it when people don’t like you? First of all, remember just because someone criticizes you, doesn’t mean that they don’t like you. Second, if it is true and that person does not like you, it is not the end of the world. As a recovering people pleaser myself, I totally get it…and I know how tough it is.
The fact is…take a deep breath…oh I hate telling you this but…everyone is not going to like you.
And that’s is perfectly okay.
Someone not liking you does not mean you suck or there is something wrong with you. Think of Elvis. Elvis was not liked by everyone and had his own fair share of criticism, yet he was still able to become a famous singer. The fact that some people did not like him did not stop others from loving him and thinking he was talented. He just was not for everyone and neither are you. You will find people who love you and people who don’t. How people feel about you is a matter of opinion and it has little to do with you and more to do with them.
What will you do now?
After someone criticizes you, you get to decide how you will handle it. Will you talk to the person and tell them how you feel? Will you ignore it? The choice is up to you. Every situation is different. How you handle it depends on what you want, your relationship, and whether or not it is worth the time and energy. Before you do anything, breathe. It can be so easy to jump to the defensive. Don’t. If you have flipped your lid and that fight, flight, or freeze response has kicked in. Take a break. Breathe. Sleep on it. Talk it out with someone. Reflect on these questions in this blog. Let the logical thinking part of your brain have a chance to kick back in and THEN decide how you will handle it and do it.
Getting criticized can hurt, but is not the end of the world. It doesn’t have to be something that gets in the way of your success or lowers your self-esteem. You can even use it as a tool to learn from and grow.
How have you successfully handled criticism? Tell us in the comments.
