Why It’s So Hard to Leave When It’s Bad

Being in an emotionally, psychologically or physically abusive relationship can be one of the most difficult and impactful things someone may experience. It is also one of the toughest situations to leave. The strong, emotional pull to stay can be confusing and mystifying to the victim and those that love them. While leaving may seem like the obvious answer, there are MANY reasons it is difficult for a person to leave a bad relationship.

A trauma bond could be one of the reasons it is so hard to leave.

What is a trauma bond?

A trauma bond is an unhealthy, psychological bond that develops between an abuser and the person who is psychologically, emotionally or physically abused. The person who is abused feels attached to the abuser and has sympathy for them as a result of the abuse cycle.

Contrary to popular belief, abusive relationships are not bad, all of the time. Abusive relationships often have a cyclical pattern. Tension builds, there is an abusive incident, then reconciliation, finally things calm down and then the cycle repeats itself. Bad things happen, but in between there may be good stuff. This cycle reinforces the trauma bond.

Trauma bonds don’t just happen in domestic violence situations between partners. It can happen with people who have been kidnapped, in a relationship with a narcissist, in exploitative employment, the military, cults, hazing, hostage situations, prisoners of war, parent-child relationships, and more. Trauma bonds are based on fear, power imbalance, and unpredictability. They often happen when a person is dependent on the abuser as the main source of support for their emotional needs.

Sometimes, people think that if someone is in a bad relationship and having a hard time leaving it means the person is weak, dumb, or has some other character flaw. That is not the case. Being a victim of abuse is something that can happen to anyone, no matter how smart, tough, successful, rich, or strong they are. It is not a reflection of poor character, but a result of the biological response meant to help us survive.

Fight-Flight-Freeze-Fawn Response

When you are in a stressful situation, like abuse, your body automatically goes into survival mode. This is a reaction that you do not have control over. It is a very strong physiological response that is innate and takes over without your control. In this state, your body decides if the best chances of survival are fighting, running away, shutting down/freezing, or trying to please the person to avoid conflict.

When your survival response has kicked in, your brain starts working differently. Your prefrontal cortex shuts down to reserve energy for survival and your amygdala and limbic system take over. Your prefrontal cortex is in charge of problem-solving, logical reasoning, long-term planning, and risk management. Your amygdala and limbic system are in charge of the survival response of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. This means during stress, such as abuse, your brain is just focused on surviving the stressful situation you are in and not how it will impact you long term. If you feel like you can’t leave or escape the situation safely or assert yourself, you may go into freeze mode because your brain is telling you it is safest to stay.

Hormones

When your body engages in the stress response several different changes occur in your body. One of those changes is the release of hormones. One of those hormones is dopamine. This hormone is linked with addiction and creates feelings of pleasure. After an abusive episode when the abuser apologizes, expresses remorse, or “makes up” for poor behavior, you may feel a rush of relief from the stress and then your body releases a burst of dopamine which strengthens the connection with the person who triggered it. Your body begins to crave dopamine, which causes people to want to please the person or make them happy to earn their affection and release more dopamine.

Physical affection also releases hormones. Oxytocin is released with sex, touch, stroking, breastfeeding, or positive interactions between humans. It is linked to well-being and stress relief. It increases social interaction, reduces anxiety and increases the bond between people. It is highly linked with reproduction and enhances relationships. It is considered a happy hormone and linked to attraction and bonding between humans. This hormone can interfere with clear thinking because it creates positive feelings and reduces fears, it can make someone more inclined to focus on the positive treatment that occurs during the reconciliation and remorse phase of abuse and not the abusive part.

Intermitent Reinforcement

Now let’s look at behavior. Behavior is driven by positive or negative reinforcement. If you get positive reinforcement for a behavior, you are likely to do it again. If you get negative reinforcement when you engage in behavior, you are less likely to do it again. If that positive reinforcement is delivered, intermittently and randomly, the subject will engage in the behavior longer than if it was given at regular, predictable intervals. This is why social media, gambling, and video games are so hard to walk away from. Marketers use this to their advantage and whether they realize it or not, so do abusers. Remember the cycle of abuse? The intermittent reward of reconciliation and increase in feel-good hormones reinforces staying in the relationship!

In conclusion, the biology of trauma bonding plays a big role in leaving a relationship, even when it is bad. You can become attached to the person for getting you through the trauma, even when they are the one that caused it. When that person comforts you from hurting because of the abuse they caused, your brain can latch on to that and make you feel like you need that person to survive. You don’t, but you will feel like you do. The cycle of abuse and manipulation creates a chemical dependence and makes it difficult to regulate your emotions and think clearly about what is best for you long term.

The more the cycles continue, the more powerless you feel, the more difficult it is to leave and the more your identity and self-worth get chipped away. The worse you feel about yourself, the more dependent you are on the abuser for validation and the more you make excuses and try to rationalize their poor behavior. You may have difficulty trusting yourself. You may question your reality. No wonder it is so difficult to leave a relationship like this!

The good news…

While trauma bonds make it difficult to leave, it does not mean you are stuck and there is no hope. You CAN get out of bad relationships, but you may need a little help. There are therapists, books, organizations, and many other avenues to help you break free. You can leave and you can heal. You can start to reclaim your identity and rebuild trust with yourself. If you are in this situation, please reach out and get help. Professional help can help you find a safe way to leave.

I would love to hear your thoughts and insights on this article. Please share in the comments.