How To Give Yourself Grace
Ah, shame. It’s that kick in the gut, stomach-dropping sensation coupled with shakiness, dread and sometimes panic. It is the red, hot face and desire to hide under a rock. It is a feeling that often comes when we realize we have made a mistake, something we did or didn’t do. When we mess up we are often full of regret and guilt. We shame ourselves about how we should have done things differently. Sometimes, we think that if we don’t beat ourselves up about it then we weren’t sorry enough or that we won’t truly change.
The funny thing is, we can’t shame ourselves into changed behavior. Shame definitely doesn’t magically allow us to build a time machine to the past where we could choose to do things differently. In fact, it makes us feel terrible. It increases our feelings of anxiety and depression and actually leads us to make further mistakes. We tend to be much harder on ourselves than we are on others when they mess up. So when my clients share with me that they are upset with themselves for a mistake they made, I often ask them if they can give themselves grace.
But what does that mean?
You hear about grace in Christianity and yoga, but it is also important in therapy, coaching and personal growth. It is the idea of giving kindness, even if undeserved. When I encourage giving yourself grace, I am talking about self-compassion, forgiveness and acceptance. Since shame won’t change you, grace allows you to acknowledge your mistake while still being kind to yourself which will allow you to move forward in a healthy and constructive way.
How do you do that?
Own it.
Face your mistake head-on. Acknowledge it. Notice the feelings that come up and don’t hide from them. Take responsibility for your action. Don’t take more blame or responsibility than what is yours. Hold yourself accountable. Repair the mistake if possible. Apologize if you need to.
Be kind to yourself.
Beating yourself up won’t help. When you are thinking about what happened, imagine what you would tell someone else, someone you love and care about, perhaps a small child. This doesn’t mean that you deny or minimize what happened, but it does mean being kind in the words you use when you think about yourself. Have compassion for yourself. Be understanding. Don’t call yourself mean names. Don’t exaggerate.
Focus on your behavior, not character.
Don’t make it worse than it is. The mistake is a behavior, the mistake is not who you are as a whole. We can always choose something different next time. Assuming the mistake is who you are, can make it a subconscious permission slip to not change. You are not your mistake. It doesn’t define you. It is a behavior that you exhibited, not who you are 100% of the time, nor is it a character flaw.
Observe without judgment.
What happened? What were you feeling? Why did you do or not do what you wish you had? Slow down. Get quiet and tune in to your mind, body and feelings. Notice without judgment what thoughts were coming up for you, what you were feeling or what you were doing that may have led to that outcome. Don’t judge or criticize, just notice.
How can you do it differently moving forward?
Now what? Once you have owned it, been kind to yourself and reflected on what happened without judgment, what did you learn that you can use moving forward so it doesn’t happen again? Now, make the change. If the mistake happens again, go back to the drawing board, something isn’t quite working. Tweak the process and try again.
We are all learning and growing. None of us came to Earth with an instruction manual on how to handle all of the things life throws at us. Nobody gets it right 100% of the time. We are human, therefore we are not perfect AND THAT IS OKAY! It is normal to make mistakes. It is how we learn and grow. Get back up and get to work. It is all going to be okay.
How do you handle it when you mess up? Tell us in the comments.
