The Secret to Connection
We are starving for connection.
Despite technology giving us the ability to connect with others in more ways than any other time in history, we are desperately lacking in emotional connection with others. This is not simply a result of COVID-19 or addiction to our devices (not that either of those have helped). The epidemic of loneliness started far before the pandemic.
We are social creatures wired for belonging and the lack of it creates physiological and psychological distress that produces the same activity in our brains as physical pain. It is not something that only single people, who live alone experience, either. People that are in relationships or have lots of people around them experience it, too. It’s not about the quantity of relationships we have, but the quality of those relationships. Most people don’t lack or long for superficial, surface-level relationships. We long for relationships where we are seen, understood, and valued. We yearn to belong on a deep, meaningful, emotional level.
While we are desperate for it, many are clueless about how to get it. Thanks to the work of Brené Brown, it seems we are closer to knowing how to get it. The secret to connection?
Allow yourself to be vulnerable.
What Brené Brown taught the world in her record breaking Ted Talk, “The Power of Vulnerability,” is that in order to have those whole-hearted relationships we want, it requires risk. We must take the risk of possible failure and rejection, if we ever want a chance to develop those deep, emotional connections.
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” Brené Brown
You have to be willing to do things like…
Ask someone to hang out with you and risk them saying no.
Say I love you first, knowing you may not hear it back.
Be willing to have a difficult conversation to heal hurt in a relationship, even though it is awkward and uncomfortable and may not go the way you would like.
Let people see the real you, imperfections and all, and know they may judge you negatively for it.
This is terrifying for many of us. So we avoid it at all costs, even at the cost of not having that deep, emotional connection.
You can keep going in that direction. You don’t have to be vulnerable. You can continue to starve yourself of the deeper connections you desire and face the physiological and psychological ramifications of it. Or you can take the risk, be brave and courageously allow yourself to be vulnerable and give yourself a fighting chance to have the relationships that enrich life and give it meaning.
If you are the brave type, here are some things to know as you embark on this journey.
To Thine Own Self Be True.
How can you have any real connection with others if you lack connection with yourself? Many of us have spent so much of our lives as chameleons, changing our outward expression of who we are to blend in to our social environment, that we are strangers to ourselves. Take some time to figure out who you are and what you like, not just the persona you think others will find appealing or accepting. What do you like or dislike? What do you value? What do you want out of life? Who are you really (imperfections and all)? Discovering these things about ourselves and embracing them requires vulnerability, too. Start here.
Not Everyone Will Like You And That Is Good News.
As you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to be yourself with others, you will discover that you are too much for some and too little for others. Allowing vulnerability to exist in a relationship will push some away and bring some closer. Much of that will have nearly nothing to do with you and more to do with the insecurities and projections of others. This is normal. While this part of being vulnerable is uncomfortable, if not painful, it is a gift. It is a way for those that are not available for emotional connection with you to show their true colors and filter themselves out. This leaves room for those that can fulfill the emotional connections that you desire. Those that allow you the freedom to be your true, vulnerable self and embrace it, are your people. The others just aren’t ready yet and that is perfectly okay.
Read this blog, “How To Stop Worrying About What They Think,” to learn more about how to handle the judgement of others.
Practice Self-Compassion.
Sometimes, you will be open and vulnerable and it will create beautiful moments of connection and life-time bonds and other times you will feel exposed and wish for a time machine so you can go back to the past and take back what just happened. While we want to be seen, understood and valued, being vulnerable with others can have all the same feelings as those nightmares where you somehow end up naked at school giving a presentation to your class. It can bring up feelings of shame, rejection and other not so fun emotions. Those not so fun feelings are enough to make you want to head for the hills, hide under a rock and never be vulnerable again. Those cringe worthy, wake you up in the middle of the night, in a panic and cold sweat moments will happen. Practicing self-compassion can be the salve to those emotional wounds you earned in the courageous battle of vulnerability. Self-compassion is when you give yourself kindness and understanding rather than being harshly critical when things don’t go your way, you make a mistake or you experience failure. Being compassionate to yourself in those difficult moments can help you feel better and not give up.
Read this blog post, “How To Give Yourself Grace,” to learn more about self-compassion.
Take Baby Steps.
Vulnerability is not about turning to the stranger next to you and emotionally vomiting all of your childhood trauma onto them. In fact, Brene’ Brown would say that is the opposite of vulnerability. Vulnerability is sharing openly about yourself to those that have earned your trust and in a way that contributes to the relationship. So, you don’t need to go fast. Take your time. Take baby steps toward vulnerability. Give your relationships time to develop trust. Vulnerability is about showing up and taking the emotional risk to be seen when you don’t know what the outcome of that will be and you can’t control it. It is okay to practice doing this in small ways to slowly build your vulnerability muscle over time. You will see those emotional connection gains with time.
Check out this Blog Post, “I Don’t Trust Anyone,” to learn more about trust.
Vulnerability Hangovers Are Normal.
Don’t be surprised if after being vulnerable your stomach flip flops and you find yourself wanting to hide under your covers for days. This happened to the vulnerability expert herself, Brené Brown. After she gave her Ted Talk and it broke records, she was filled with panic and fear. She coined it as a “vulnerability hangover.” It is a normal part of facing your fears and having courage. It doesn’t mean that you messed up or did something wrong or shameful. You can feel this even when the outcome from being vulnerable is great. Vulnerability hangovers will pass with time.
You don’t have to starve for emotional connection. Having some courage to be vulnerable can help satiate that hunger you have for connection and you can experience connections on a level you never knew existed. You have to be willing to take the risk and in the end it is worth it. The rewards are great.
Do have the courage to be vulnerable? Tell us why or why not in the comments!