Everybody and their mommas are preaching to practice self-care. It is a trendy concept fooling you into believing that you can solve all of your problems with a mani-pedi, a Netflix binge and a glass of wine. Don’t get me wrong I am a sucker for those things, too. Who doesn’t feel a better after that? The problem with this trend is that truly transformative, self-care goes much deeper. The type of self-care that can actually change your life is far from the glitz and glamour of a fancy vacation or a spa day. It is nitty gritty, tough and sometimes ugly. It is stuff that may not get you the likes you want on Instagram. It is the stuff that challenges you and forces you to grow. Real self-care is:

Taking accountability for your actions. Going to therapy. Saying no. Setting boundaries. Resting. Challenging your negative thoughts. Working to heal your trauma. Having difficult conversations. Facing fears. Meditating. Practicing gratitude. Journaling. Taking risks. Going to the doctor. Date nights to reconnect with your partner. Asking for what you want and need. Asking for help. Socializing. Doing things you enjoy.

Self-care is taking good care of YOURSELF. Many of us take care of everyone around us, including our pets, better than we care for ourselves. We pay a price for that.

Real self care can be tough. No wonder people want to avoid it. The #1 excuse that I hear as a therapist and life coach for why people don’t practice self-care? They don’t have the time. I call bull$#!+. We tend to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Self-care can be scary and painful, no wonder we find it easier to tell ourselves we are simply too busy and don’t have time. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. I think it is our mistaken beliefs that are the real culprit in why we deny ourselves self care.

Belief #1: I have more important things to do than self-care.

The hustle culture is real. How we have more modern day conveniences than ever and yet have less down time than ever, mystifies me. We have never ending to-do lists of what we need to or think we should be doing. It is impossible to check off everything on our list because we run out of hours in our day. The first thing to go? Self-care. We skip meals, cancel appointments, and rationalize not showering. That’s if you have even bothered to put any self-care tasks on your to do lists at all. More difficult things like having a tough conversation or scheduling a date night become easy to avoid and put off for another time. Everything, other than self-care, somehow seems more important.

Alternative thought:

You are THE most important thing on your to do list. Nothing on that list gets done without you. Therefore, nothing is more important than taking care of yourself. Taking care of ourselves actually makes us more productive and more pleasant to be around. We feel more rested, think more clearly and feel less resentful when our needs have been met. We forget things less, have healthier relationships and give to others from our overflow, rather than from lack. Changing our to-do list by putting self-care as the #1 priority makes us less tempted to skip it as the day goes on.

Belief #2: I am a burden to others when I ask for help.

Sometimes, we say we don’t have time for self-care because we are poor time managers and do things like get on Tic Toc and accidentally enter a time warp (Or is that just me?). Other times, we are are truly stretched so thin that it seems like it would be easier to understand quantum physics than figure out where to find time for yourself in the day. Even if we had super powers we would still be unable to find time for self-care. This means we need help. We literally can’t do all the things there are to do and make time for self-care. The problem is even when you know that you need help, you can’t bring yourself to ask for help from others because you feel like you are burdening them.

(Want to find more time in your day? Read this blog post.)

Alternative thought:

Think of the last time you helped someone that needed it. It felt good didn’t it? Most people feel honored to be able to help someone else. In fact, research shows that if you want someone to like you, ask them to do you a favor. This blew my mind. It turns out that when you do a favor for someone, you like them more! The idea that you will be a burden is not true. The other person has the ability to say no, if it is too much of a burden. If they say no, that is okay. Everyone is entitled to say no and know what their limits are. Don’t take it personal. You can ask someone else. Getting someone to help you can free up some time to take care of your needs.

(Want to learn more about creating deeper connections with others? Read this blog post)

Beliefs #3: If I take time for just myself, others will judge me.

Sometimes, we make the excuse that we don’t have time for self-care because we fear judgement both from ourself or others. We don’t allow ourselves to take time for self-care because we judge ourself and tell ourself it is selfish. We fear that if we tell others no and take time to care of our self instead, they will be upset with us or will withdraw their love from us.

(Want to find more time in your day? Read this blog post.)

Alternative thought:

Self-care is not selfish. It is how we fill our cup to best take care of others. If we break down from not caring for our self, we are unable to take care of others. If others get upset with our boundary, it means they were benefitting from us not having one, not that it is wrong for setting a boundary.

“It is not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself and make your happiness a priority. It is a necessity.” - Mandy Hale

Belief #4: My worth is dependent on what I achieve or produce.

Taking care of yourself does not always feel productive. Sometimes self-care looks like taking time to rest, have fun, taking a day off of work or meditating. You may be telling yourself that you don’t have time for self-care because you believe that you are only worthy of love or are only good enough when you are doing things, achieving goals, making a lot of money, working hard or producing something. It is not that you don’t have time. It is that you believe if you take the time it means you are lazy, unproductive, worthless or wasting time.

Alternative thought:

Self-care is needed to be at your most productive level. The more you push yourself and the less you take care of yourself, the less efficient you become. You are a human, not a machine. Your worth is inherent because you are a human. You are valuable because you are a living breathing human with conscious thought and feelings. Your ability to achieve or produce is irrelevant to that. Think of the most helpless beings on Earth. Do they not have value and worth? Aren’t they worthy of love. Of course they are and therefore, so are you. Even when you are relaxing, resting, taking a break and practing self care.

Belief #5: I can’t handle difficult feelings.

Being busy can be a form of avoidance. Sometimes, we keep ourselves busy as a way to numb ourselves from our feelings. If we don’t stop and take time for self-care, we don’t have to think or face things we don’t want to. It is easier to fool ourselves into thinking we are too busy than to take care of our self and face the truth that our marriage is struggling, feel the difficult feelings and take the difficult actions to fix it. It is easier to avoid self-care because when we slow down and rest our thoughts of our past traumas start to resurface. We are afraid that if we take the time to go to therapy or have the difficult conversations or journal that we will be forced to feel feelings that don’t feel good and we don’t think we can handle it.

Alternative thought:

The last scary movie I saw was “It.” The whole movie the characters were running away from the scary clown and each time the clown caught up with them. It wasn’t until the characters stopped running away and faced the clown and defeated it once and for all, that the clown left them alone. Those things you are avoiding by being busy, work the same way. Those scary things will catch up to you eventually. They don’t just go away when you avoid them. Self-care is turning toward those scary things and dealing with them rather than avoiding them by being busy all the time. You can handle difficult feelings. Avoiding them only causes those feelings to linger longer Feelings come and go. They don’t last forever. Taking time to take care of yourself and deal with those things can help those feelings to go away for good and you no longer have to keep busy all the time to run away from them.

You have the time for self-care and your quality of life depends on it. Work to let go of these beliefs that are preventing you from caring for yourself the way you deserve to.

What other beliefs are behind your excuse “I don’t have time for self-care.”? What did I miss? Share in the comments!