Communication is the foundation for all relationships and it is the one area where people struggle the most. There are 3 different styles of communication and each have their own implications. If you have needs that you want met in your relationship, using an effective communication style is key to getting that need met!

Passive Communication Style

In a passive communications style, you don’t express your needs, wants or opinions, express them indirectly or only say part of what you mean. People who use this style often subscribe to the belief that they should not have to ask for what they want from someone because that person should know. Or they believe that having to ask for it somehow makes getting what they want mean less. Unfortunately, most people around us are not mind readers and we all have different ideas of what we should do or what needs to be done in various situations. This means others don’t just know what you want or need unless you tell them. It is not someone else’s responsibility to guess what you need, it is your responsibility to communicate it clearly. When you communicate passively, it minimizes your responsibility in making decisions because you leave it to someone else to decide and it allows you to not take a personal stand on an issue, but leads to resentment, low self esteem and it decreases your chances of getting what you want. Sometimes, when you use a passive style over and over it builds up tension and then you explode and move to aggression, another ineffective communication style.

Aggressive Communications Style

In the aggressive communication style you express your wants, opinions and needs directly but at the expense of someone else’s feelings. Your body language and tone may threatening. The words used may be critical, mean or abusive. It send the message to others that you are superior and they are inferior and wrong. You may get what you want but only because people want to get rid of you. People will avoid you to avoid confrontation or may respond dishonestly or tell you what you want to hear, rather than the truth. It triggers the fight, flight or freeze response in others which significantly decreases the chances of having a constructive conversation and can lead to the other party shutting down, fighting or leaving the conversation. Like passive communication, aggressive communication is not ideal and detrimental to the relationship.

Assertive Communication Style

Assertive communication means you express your wants, needs and opinions directly without infringing on the rights of others. It sends the message that although you may have different opinions both people involved in the conversation have the same right to express themselves. This allows for both parties involved to be active in deciding what to do, it increases the chances that you will get what you want and without hostility or causing the other to withdraw or feel isolated. It enables both parties to have a respectful exchange of ideas and feelings and to feel satisfaction from the conversation. This helps to resolve problems in ways that are constructive and not only maintain the integrity of the relationship, but also help foster fondness, trust, openness and connectedness in the relationship.

How do you communicate assertively?

Clearly, the most beneficial communication style is the assertive communication style. How do you communicate assertively? First, clearly identify what you need and the goal of the conversation. Then arrange for a time to have the conversation that is good for both of you. Make sure you are both calm and are not distracted. Use calm body language and tone. Avoid defensiveness or shutting down. Discuss the behavior not the person. Use “I messages” ( I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel frustrated), NOT “You messages” (You never do this, you always do that). Listen to what the other person is saying and clarify to make sure you are clearly understanding them. Keep your requests short and simple. Do not drag in all of the other things that have been bothering you for the past 5 years. Address problems in a timely manner. Work to arrive at a compromise.

If you do not typically communicate assertively, don’t panic! Like any behavior this is something that can be learned. Your communication style you use now was likely also learned and maybe it worked for a while but there now it is working against you. Great! Now that you realize it you can change it. It won’t happen over night. It will take some practice, but with time you can learn to communicate more effectively by communicating assertively.

What is one way that you will work to communicate more assertively? Tell us in the comments!