I Don’t Trust Anyone
One thing I often hear from clients is,
“I don’t trust anyone.”
They come to me and tell me this as though it means there is something wrong with them that needs to be fixed. My response?
“Good.”
This decision to not trust people usually doesn’t come out of the blue. It is usually a decision someone has made after they have been deeply hurt, neglected, or betrayed by someone else (sometimes by many people, many times).
You can find yourself in BIG physical and psychological trouble when you trust the wrong people. In the context of survival and wellbeing, trusting everyone is probably not the smartest or safest bet. Not to mention we are all human and make mistakes, making it likely we may get hurt in relationships. Survival-wise, not trusting others makes perfect sense.
I go on to explain to my clients that not trusting others is a beautiful way that your brain is trying to protect you. Being guarded, putting up walls, and not letting people in, does help keep you from getting hurt. It is harder to be disappointed by others when you never let them in or trust them in the first place.
The problem is, we are social beings that thrive on healthy connections and it is really, REALLY hard, maybe even impossible to develop these deep, loving connections without trust. Trust is the foundation of healthy relationships. If we don’t have healthy and loving connections, we also suffer both physically and mentally (It’s science. Google it).
So how do you allow yourself to trust people AND keep yourself feeling safe at the same time?
You can’t.
Opening yourself up and allowing yourself to trust someone is a risk. It makes you vulnerable. And if we learned anything from the fabulous Brene Brown (google her Ted Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, if you’ve never heard of her) it is that we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to have those deep, loving, wholehearted relationships that we all desire deep down inside. Trusting is a risk and we can get hurt, but we have to open up and be vulnerable enough to trust in order to see if the relationship can be one of those healthy, loving relationships. If it is not, we can set boundaries or let the relationship go. We don’t have to keep trusting and getting hurt. We may have a few heartbreaks on the journey to finding those deeply connected wholehearted relationships, but when you find it, the risk to trust feels worth it. Let’s not forget not having healthy relationships hurts, too.
Some ways to start trusting and minimize risk are as follows.
Actions speak louder than words.
Don’t let someone sweet talk you into continuing the relationship without boundaries when they have behaved in an untrustworthy manner. Talk is cheap. People will tell you whatever they think you want to hear to keep you around and continue to get whatever they are gaining from your relationship. If a person is really going to change, you will see it in their actions, not their words. Their actions will indicate the level of trust you can give them.
Rebuild trust with yourself.
When you have trusted the wrong person for too long, it is likely you will lose trust in yourself and in your own judgment. In my observation, at the end of an unhealthy relationship the biggest frustration, from the person who was hurt, is they KNEW this person couldn’t be trusted. It is not that they misjudged. They judged correctly and didn’t follow their gut or intuition. They doubted their judgment or made excuses to avoid the pain of the truth or the pain of taking action. In order to rebuild the trust you have with yourself, stop performing mental gymnastics to excuse untrustworthy behavior. Then take action by setting boundaries to protect yourself.
Remember, trust is a continuum.
It is easy to say you can’t trust ANYONE, but that simply is not true and it is an overgeneralization. Try to think about times when people came through for you when their words and actions matched. You may not be able to trust ALL people, but you can trust some people, some of the time. What you trust people with is a continuum as well. You may trust your banker to deposit money into your account, but you might not trust them to make decisions about your health. You may be able to trust your mother will pick up your kids from school, but you may not be able to trust her to say kind things to you. You may trust your partner will go to work and bring home money, but you may not trust that they will be faithful. Breaking down how we see trust in this way makes it easier for us to trust when we know we don’t have to trust EVERYONE with EVERYTHING. We can choose how much we will trust a person and let them in and set appropriate boundaries where we don’t trust them, rather than cutting out ALL people.
Take baby steps.
Take your time and start small Building a trusting relationship happens slowly, with time. You start by trusting someone with something small and slowly, as they prove they can be trusted, you trust them with a little more. If they prove they can’t be trusted with something small don’t keep trusting them and don’t increase the level of things you trust them with. Let them earn your trust and prove, with their actions, that they can be trusted.
Go to therapy.
Sometimes, you are so deep in the muck, you can’t see the forest from the trees. You don’t know if you should set a boundary or if you are overreacting. You may not know for sure if you are the problem or it is them. Low self-esteem, trauma, depression, and anxiety can also skew your view. A therapist can help you see clearly and figure out how and when to set boundaries.
Trust is not easy, but it is necessary. We don’t get through this world doing it all, all by ourselves. Don’t deny yourself of deep, loving, healthy relationships because that hurts, too. Trust, but be wise about who you trust and with what. Don’t forget to set boundaries when people behave in untrusting ways. You can do this.
What do you look for in people to prove you can trust them?
Share in the comments!