Grief.

Grief is one of the most painful experiences that people endure and there is no easy fix for it. Grief is one of those things you don’t get relief from without feeling your way through it. That means feeling some painful feelings. Moving from grief to acceptance is hard, gut-wrenching work.

Grief is caused by loss, not just death. Any loss can cause a person to experience grief. Divorce, losing a home in a fire, losing a job, being unable to reach a lifelong dream, losing a friend and any other loss can cause grief.

Chances are you will experience grief in your life and that you will know someone going through it. You may want to help someone feel better and ease their emotional pain. In my experience of working with grieving people, they often share the secondary painful experience of encountering well-meaning people, who are trying to help, saying something that hurts. Sometimes, these mistakes make the loss hurt more and make grievers feel further isolated, alone or angry.

Here are some common mistakes people make that hurt more than they help and you should stop saying to people who are grieving…

Anything that sounds like Hurry up and move on.

“You can always have another child.”

“You can find someone else and get married.”

While that may be true, it makes a grieving person feel like you think this loss doesn’t matter. And it does matter. It matters a lot. Especially to the person grieving. Rushing to move on dishonors what was lost. Sometimes, people, have a hard time moving on because they don’t want what was lost to be forgotten and they feel tremendous guilt that moving on will mean the lost loved one will be forgotten like they were not important. It is difficult to let go. It is not something that can be rushed just because you are uncomfortable with the difficult feelings the grieving person is feeling or because YOU want them to feel better already. They will move at their own pace.

Consider this instead.

Just listen.

Reflect the feelings you hear the person saying. “You are having a hard time right now because you miss them so much.”

“I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are really hurting.”

Find ways to honor the loss.

Let them talk about it without trying to fix it or change it.

Anything that sounds like, “Why aren’t you over it yet?”

“Ugh. This again?”

“You always want to talk about this.”

“Let’s talk about something different.”

“That’s in the past.”

“Let it go.”

“Put it behind you.”

“It’s time to move on.”

Grief has no time limit. Most people desperately want the pain to stop and struggle to find relief. THEY are frustrated that they don’t feel better. Shaming someone for still being in pain is not only ineffective in making them feel better, it makes it seem as though there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do. There is not. There is something wrong with trying to shame someone out of grief because you are not comfortable with hard emotions. Although some feel like the intensity of the pain of grief decreases with time, many believe the sadness never completely goes away, people just get to a place of acceptance.

Consider saying this instead…

“You can talk about that with me whenever you want, now, in 1 year, 2 years, 5, 20”

“That loss was so big, it still hurts you to this day.”

“I’m worried about you. I think you could benefit from seeing a grief counselor.”

Anything that sounds like, “It could have been worse.”

“You think that’s bad, my friend had ______ happen to them.”

“At least they lived a long life and didn’t die young.”

“At least you are still young and can try again.”

Just because it could have been worse doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt badly now. This message is not helpful. It suggests that the grieving person should not feel as bad as they do because someone had it worse. That can cause a griever to feel guilt because others had it worse on top of the pain they are already experiencing. Just because someone has had it worse does not negate the deep pain a person may be experiencing with this loss. It sends the message that the griever doesn’t have it THAT bad, so they shouldn’t feel so sad. A grieving person should feel however they feel, not how you think they should feel.

Consider this instead.

“I’m sorry you are going through this.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“How can I help?”

“Do you want to get out and hang out for a while?”

Anything that sounds like “You’re grieving wrong.”

“You are crying too much,”

“You need to cry, you haven’t cried at all.”

“Stop thinking and talking about it so much.”

“You need to talk about it.”

“You should go to the grave and mourn so you can face it.”

Just stop. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Suggesting that a person is doing it wrong just adds to feelings of isolation, guilt, shame and the feeling of being misunderstood. This does not make people want to reach out for support. It makes people want to shrivel up and hide from the world that does not understand them so they don’t burden others with their pain.

Consider this instead…

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“What do you need from me? How can I help?”

“I’m here. When you are ready to talk, I am here.”

“Just so you know you can call me and talk about this anytime you feel like it.”

“How are you REALLY doing?”

Check-in often.

Anything that sounds like, “I know exactly how you feel.”

No. No, you don’t. Even if you had a similar loss, each person has their own unique experience with loss. Assuming someone would or should feel the way you did is too presumptuous. What if they don’t feel that way? It can make a person feel further misunderstood or as if they are doing it wrong, leading a person to feel guilty on top of grief. It also makes it about you. Although, you may have good intentions, a griever will benefit more from letting them tell you how they feel, rather than assuming they feel like you did.

Consider this instead…

“What has this been like for you?”

“It is okay to feel however you feel.”

“This is what it was like for me, but everyone grieves differently.”

“What has been the most difficult part of this for you?”

The best way to help someone who is grieving is to meet them where they are with empathy. Don’t try to change them. Most people don’t need you to fix it. They just need you to listen. They need a safe place they can go to for support, where they can feel the feelings that come up for them without judgment. They need to talk about it and not fake it like everything is okay when they are finally ready and feel safe enough to open up. They don’t need superficial conversations where they pretend like everything is fine when they finally choose to open up, they need to feel deep compassionate connections with others. You can’t change the loss for them. You can’t take the pain of grief from them. You can be there. You can be open. You can listen with empathy and that may be the greatest gift of all.

Have you experienced grief? What did other people do that was helpful or hurtful? Tell us in the comments so we can learn how to better support grieving people.