Close your eyes and imagine you are walking through the mall. You see a friend of yours in the distance and eagerly wave hello. Your friend rushes away and does not acknowledge you.

How do you feel about that?

Mad? Worried? Indifferent?

Believe it or not, the way you feel is not because your friend did not acknowledge you. The way you feel is due to the thought you had about it. It is not the situation that causes you to feel an emotion, but your perception or the meaning you assign to it.

If your thought was, “She ignored me on purpose.” You are likely to feel mad.

If your thought was, “She must be mad at me.” You may feel worried.

If your thought was, “She didn’t see me.” You may feel indifferent.

We don’t know why the friend rushed away but your mind jumped to a conclusion and interpreted it anyway.

The beauty of this is that once you learn to identify your thoughts, you can check them for accuracy and reframe the thinking to a more realistic and helpful perspective. An example of a more helpful and realistic thought in this situation may be, “There are a lot of reasons that she may not have acknowledged me. I don’t have enough evidence to jump to a conclusion. I can call her later and ask.”

“Your thoughts affect your emotions. Your emotions affect your decisions. Your decisions affect your life.

Author Unknown

There are a variety of unhelpful thought patterns that we engage in that cause us to feel bad. Here are some of the most common ones that I see as a therapist and their antidotes.

All or Nothing.

You look at things as if they are one way or the other, black or white, good or bad, you have to be perfect or you’re a failure and don’t see the in-between.

For example, “I am a bad mother.” This thought is likely to make you feel sad, guilty, or ashamed.

That thought is a big generalization. Perhaps you have made some mistakes as a mother, but you have likely done some things right, too. Thinking in all or nothing is not a realistic or helpful perception.

Antidote:

The way to work around this thought is to look at both sides or the gray area.

For example, “ I have made some mistakes and I have done some things really well as a mom.” Even if this does not completely take away the unpleasant emotions, it can decrease their intensity.

Read this article for more information about all-or-nothing thinking. “How to Fix The Perfectionist Mindset Trap”

Mind Reading.

Anytime you are worried about what other people think, you are likely engaging in the unhealthy thought pattern of mind reading. Mind reading is when you think you know what other people are thinking without their saying so. Usually assuming that what they think is negative.

For example, “He thinks I am an idiot.” The funny thing about mind reading is that it is often a projection of our own fears rather than what that person is thinking.

Antidote:

Remind yourself you can’t read minds, nor is it your responsibility to read other people’s minds. If that person has something they want you to know it is their responsibility to tell you. You can ask them if what you think is true. Better yet, ask yourself if their opinion really matters.

For example, “I don’t truly know if he is thinking something negative about me. If he is, it doesn’t mean that it is true. If I value his opinion and really need to know I can always ask, rather than just assume.”

Click here to read more about how to handle criticism. “Things to Consider When Criticized”

Catastrophizing.

This thought pattern is when you are thinking of the worst-case scenario. Rather than thinking of all of the things that can go right, your mind is jumping to one “what-if” nightmare scenario after another. Many times we convince ourselves that this type of thinking is helpful because it helps us to be prepared. The problem is we get stuck in focusing on the nightmare and we don’t play it all the way out which causes us to feel anxious and other unpleasant emotions.

For example, “What if I get fired for asking for a raise?”

Antidote:

There are two questions you can ask yourself that will help you to think more realistically when you are catastrophizing. The first is, “What are the chances or odds that the worst-case scenario will come true?” Usually, the chances are very small or at the most 50/50. This helps you to realize this scenario is unlikely to come true AND that there is a chance it will turn out fine, which we forget when catastrophizing. The second question is, “If the worst-case scenario does happen, is it the end of the world?” The answer is usually no. Once you play the scenario out all the way through, you realize that the world won’t end when that bad thing happens.

A healthier more realistic thought would be, “It is very, unlikely I will get fired for asking for a raise. If I do, it is not the end of the world. It may be a difficult expereince, but I will be able to find ways to cope as I always have and I will be able to find another job.” As you can see, when you play that thought out to the end, instead of getting stuck on the fear of being fired, you realize that even if the worst-case scenario comes true, you have the capability to cope and move forward rather than staying stuck in the worst part.

Discounting.

The thought pattern of discounting is when you give less meaning or importance to something positive.

For example, “They only paid me that compliment because they felt sorry for me.”

Rather than focusing on the negative, discounting ignores or minimizes the positive. If you often focus on the negative and ignore the positive, it makes it very difficult to feel good. Plus, minimizing the positive is not a realistic or helpful perspective.

Antidote:

Allow yourself to accept the positive. For example, “They were right to pay me that compliment. I really did do a good job with that.” If that feels like too much of a stretch you can try something like, '“That was really nice of them to pay me that compliment. It sounds like they want me to feel good.” As you can see, reframing your thoughts in this way increase the chances of you feeling good and are more realistic and helpful than the original thought.

Judging.

When you criticize yourself or others with words like should, should not, or have to, you are engaging in the thought pattern of judging. Whether you are judging yourself or someone else, it does not help you to be in a feel-good mood.

For example, “They should have known not to do that.”

The problem is, we all walk around with our own set of rules or ideas about the world and how it works. Since, these rules are created by our biology, personality, childhood, culture and more, everyone’s rule books are different. Everyone has a different idea about how things “should” be.

Antidote:

Rather than getting upset that things are not as you think they should be, you can practice acceptance. For example, an alternative thought may be, “I can’t go back to the past to change it. All I can do is learn from this and approach it differently next time.” Or “Everyone is different and has a different idea of how things should be. Criticizing won’t help. We can work together to problem solve, so this goes differently next time.”

It is important to note that while reframing your thoughts can be a valuable tool in helping you to feel better, it does not mean that you should simply lie to yourself and think the opposite of your negative thought. If you reframe the thought to something you don’t believe, it won’t help you to feel better and may have even worse consequences. You can’t lie to yourself, so the thoughts you use to reframe have to feel better and be believable to you. Reframing is not about being in denial of what is happening but rather being more realistic. Positivity can become toxic if you start thinking, no matter how bad a situation is that you should be positive. That is not the same as reframing. When reframing your thoughts, you simply want to check your thinking to make sure that it is realistic and helpful.

What mindset mistakes do you catch yourself making? Share in the comments.

If you need help with reframing, let’s work together! Schedule your free consult.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your therapist or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog post. The author and publisher of this post are not responsible for any actions or inaction you may take based on the information presented in this post.